Journal Date: Monday, November 9th, 2020
I think I’m going to find that the more I distance myself from my family and all of the false projections they have made me carry, the more I will find that I can do whatever I set my mind to.
And this is probably one of the most difficult and disturbing things I have been coming to terms with: my vast (and totally wasted) potential.
In the process of looking back on my life, I can see how much potential I’ve had for success, and how that has not (yet) been realized because of my emotional problems and mental health struggles.
And by lack of support from my family. The emotional abuse and trauma that I was left with is obviously a big factor.
But it goes beyond that.
Some of it is self-sabotage. Believing I don’t deserve to be successful.
I’ve carried around this (barely conscious) belief that I shouldn’t succeed. Not just that I may not have what it takes but that it would actually be bad for me to have success in my life (that it would make me a very “selfish” person).
I think the reasoning has been something along the lines of: “There are so many people suffering in the world. Who am I to sit here and be happy when others are experiencing so much injustice and pain? If I am happy, then I will have forsaken all of those who need help. If I am happy, I will be completely selfish and insensitive. Therefore, I can’t be successful or happy. I have to suffer in solidarity with everyone else. That is the only way I can create change in the world. I don’t want to be a BAD person, right?”
Hm. Yeah. I think there’s a lot that needs to be unpacked and understood about that. Because I don’t think it’s wise to just take it at face value. I think there’s a lot more going on there than I have really wanted to admit.
This is the major issue that came up for me when I had the short Akashic Records Reading with Leah Garza.
She told me that I do want to help others and be in service to the collective, but I’m going about it the wrong way, with the wrong motivations.
She said that I’m holding on to this belief that “if I’m doing it just for me, it is self centered.” She also added that it’s not healthy if I’m approaching my work from a need to sacrifice to gain others approval.
I was surprised when I heard that. A little defensive for a second (because her words touched a nerve), but I quickly realized how true her words were.
That is what I’ve been trying to do here.
In some ways, my desire to devote myself to healing other people has been rooted in a need to continue avoiding my own life.
I don’t want to pay attention to my own happiness.
It’s actually kind of terrifying for me.
For one, what if I try and I fail? What if I’m the problem, and I’m just fundamentally incapable of being happy?
What if I went through all of this, only to find out there’s nothing even there for me on the other side?
There’s also what I just mentioned about feeling selfish.
And then there’s another thing that’s even more complicated: What if I do achieve success and happiness at some point, only to find out I suffer even more for it?
Leah said that I fear that if I break from the norm, I will draw attention to myself, which could ultimately lead to violence.
Yes. That’s exactly it, and I think a deeper-rooted, more primal and unconscious fear than the other two I have mentioned.
She said that I have such a strong fear around this, that I fear I will actually die if this happens.
It’s true. It’s really that bad.
It’s kind of hard to understand.
Something that helps me to gain a little more insight into why this might be has to do with some possible past life stuff…
I’ve been very skeptical about this kind of thing, and I’m still not 100% sure what to really do with it.
I don’t need to come to any final conclusion about it yet, though. I can just start by sharing what my experience around this has been.