Category: Visions

Inner Visions | February 4, 2021

EleanorLeave a comment

Journal Date: February 4th, 2021

I had another reiki session with Angelic yesterday.

As usual, it was a good experience. I feel like it was very healing.

This time I also had very interesting and intense visions while she was doing the energy healing.

It began as it usually does.

At first, I didn’t see very much at all. 

Then, shifting colors began appearing in my field of inner vision.

After a few more minutes, a more definite image began to emerge.

It took me by surprise.

The first image that appeared was a crocodile. 

It was not what I expected.

But I decided to just stay with it, allow it, follow it and see where it took me.

I followed it down the banks of the Nile River and ended up in Ancient Egypt. I saw the great civilization, and all of the magic that went on there. I could see the great cities, and the temples lit up at night.

And I tried to look for myself, to see if I was there, how I fit into all this.

And with that, I found myself somewhere else.

This time, it was morning, and I was in a garden, somewhere in or near Mexico City.

I was wearing a flowing white knee length dress and gold sandals, and my dog Beso was there with me, with a white and gold collar and leash set.

We walked together along a garden path until we reached an elegant temple in the middle of the tropical garden we were in.

Together, we walked up the stairs and stepped inside.

The inside of this temple was dazzlingly beautiful, and with its high vaulted ceilings and long expanses of glass windows stretching up towards the sky, had the look and feel of a renaissance cathedral.

I walked, with Beso beside me on his leash, down the long aisle towards the beautifully decorated altar.

Once we arrived at the front of the cathedral, I noticed another section of this temple which had caught my attention. I turned to my left and began walking in this direction.

This section of the temple appeared to be a museum, and it was much darker here than the rest of the space, the only light coming from the glass box display cases.

Stepping inside, I realized that this museum was dedicated to me.

Looking closer, I could see, yes, each display case held items or photographs of events from my past. It was arranged chronologically, starting at birth.

My first thought on seeing this was, “Oh no… I can’t go through this again.”

I heard a voice (which would later speak to me at similar critical times) answer, “Yes, you can. You can do this. It’s safe to see what there is to be seen here.”

So I took a step forward, and I continued.

It was difficult to go back through this reliquary containing my past. 

So much suffering was contained within these displays.

But there was beauty, and there were tender moments, some measure of sweetness, and little bit of joy, as well.

As I walked, there were moments that overwhelmed me, and I felt that I could not go on.

But as before, a voice from beyond encouraged me. “Keep going. You can. There is nothing for you to fear within these walls.”

So I did.

I walked and I looked and I took the time to feel for everything that came up.

I cried, very often. So many tears had to be shed.

But this time, they were tears of compassion, sympathy and love, filled with sadness for the girl and the woman I’d once been (rather than of shame and bitterness, as they had often come before).

I won’t spend much time now on the specifics of what I saw there–it’s nothing new, nothing I haven’t known about or written extensively on before by now.

What is important here is the journey I made through this memorial of my self, and how I felt and reacted to what was there.

After maybe 20 minutes in this process, I finally made it to the last display case, to the present moment and the end of the museum.

When I had arrived at the end of the final exhibit, all of a sudden the dark wing of the temple containing this museum lit up, and was now brightly lit with hundreds of candles and torches illuminating the beautifully decorated walls.

And now I could see up to the ceiling of this cathedral, where uncovered windows showed the brilliant, burning stars shining down into my corner of the cosmos.

It was very late, maybe 4 or 5am – an entire night had passed during my descent into my own personal underworld.

It felt like a signal that my descent was over. And I felt I was being honored with this beautiful display for having made it through.

I knew that soon, the sun would be rising outside, and that my time in this temple of the past was near its end. I felt I was being asked, “Do you have anything you would like to say before you leave here?”

And before I could think twice, I heard myself answer, “Thank you.”

And then immediately, another part of me responded with something like, “Really?? Thank you? Are you kidding me?”

“Well, yeah…” I shyly responded. Then, a little more surely, “I guess I am grateful – it got me here, didn’t it? It made me who I am. And I’m proud of that.”

Though I was still tearful as I lay there on the table in Angelic’s office (the “real,” physical me) had to smile a little: it was true. I was grateful. And yes, I was proud. I had made it. I had made it through to the other side of all that.

And though it seemed enough to simply have survived, what’s more, I knew that one day, I would say that I had triumphed.

At that point, I looked down at my wrist, and I saw some markings appear there.

They were the two tattoos that I have wanted to get, the infinity symbol on my left wrist, and a small black skull on my right, both drawn in the style of the Smith-Waite tarot.

And I remembered what I had recently heard Clarissa Pinkola Estés say about the scars that people like me carried:

“It’s never going to look like you never suffered. Although I say, be proud of your scars. It has everything to do with your strength and what you’ve endured. It’s a map, so to speak, a treasure map to the self, the deepest self.”

And then I heard a voice say, “You have nothing to be ashamed of anymore. You can leave all of that behind. It was never truly yours to carry in the first place.”

I acknowledged this was true. This is a major part of what the inner work of the last year has shown me: most of the shame I carried came from things which had been done to me, not by me. 

I carried the shame of my abusers, of my attackers, and those who had committed crimes against me.

I carried the burden of guilt that properly belong to those who had hurt me, the mother who hated me, the father who had refused to protect me from harm. 

I had created this structure of lies about myself and my life, all resting upon this false foundation: “It’s because you deserved it. If you had simply been better, they wouldn’t have ‘had’ to…”

Well, now I know better. Now I knew that the failings were not mine. I did not bear the responsibility, and I could not account for these sins of theirs.

The voice spoke again.

“There is nothing to fear here. You don’t have to be afraid any longer. You may return whenever you want to, and you will find only peace here.”

And with that, I was ready.

With little Beso next to me, I stepped outside the temple door into the early morning light.

The sun had not come fully over the horizon yet, but the sky was becoming lighter with each passing second.

Beso and I walked down the rear temple stairs, both of us now dressed in new clothes: he was in an adorable little white doggie tuxedo with a gold leash, while I now stood in a flowing floor length chiffon gown with a light white cape, all with gold details, as well as a golden necklace decorated with pearls, and similarly made matching earrings.

After walking down the stars, we stepped onto a garden path that first led to a fountain filled with flowing water.

I walked to it, and dipped my hands into the running water and brought it to my face, and with a white towel, cleansed myself before continuing down the garden trail.

It was here that I stepped onto what was now a grass-covered path with my bare feet. The sun was shining down on the earth, and the grass felt both warmed by the sun while retaining a certain earthy coolness belonging to the morning.

From there on, I walked barefoot on the grass with little Beso by my side until I reached a throne, also gold and ivory and decorated with pearls to match the clothes I was already wearing.

I sat down, and it was here that my gold and white crown appeared on my head.

I had made it.

I was now sovereign, ruler of my own kingdom.

I had learned how to belong to myself, discovered my own agency, and the right and ability to make decisions that would serve me and all that I oversaw.

Once I had been crowned and was comfortably seated on my throne, people began to arrive.

They were all dressed mostly in white, along with the addition of one bright primary color as an accessory (like a royal blue belt or a red scarf).

When all of the guests had arrived for the celebration we were to have, it made for a very vibrantly colorful and energetic garden party.

As they arrived, the guests spoke to me.

They welcome me to my kingdom.

They told me, “You made it.”

“We’ve been waiting for you.”

“We’re so glad you’re finally here.”

They were all so happy to see me.

And it turns out they had expected me, had wanted to spend time with me, had been waiting just for me.

So when everyone arrived, we had our celebration.

It was a very peaceful, calm and relaxed garden lunch. We sat at a table set in the grass, covered in white linen with gold place settings, and ate healthy fruit and salads, drinking only water, juice and green tea.

The conversation lasted long into the afternoon, and nothing very much in particular happened. We just laughed and smiled and talked and enjoyed each other’s company.

Around this point, I left the perspective of being in my own body within the vision, and the scene seemed to zoom out until I could see the entire globe, spinning slowly in the void of space. 

As it spun, day shifted into night and then again to day and back again, and the people continued on, with no interruption to the rhythm of their peaceful daily happenings. All was calm, all continued with grace, and a gentle and reassuring order prevailed.

I saw myself again (this time, in a new change of clothes–a white button down shirt and pants) go on to interact with new people, and take on the role of a healer and helper.

And this, too, like day and night, alternated in a graceful rhythm, becoming part of the pattern of a new life of purpose and contentment.

te quiero abuelita

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I went to see my grandmother today.

She was at the hospice. She’s dying.

I haven’t seen her since she first went to the hospital.

My mom told me that she has mostly been unresponsive for the past few days.

When I got there, I wanted to have some time alone with her, so I asked my mom to give me some time to be with her.

I sat holding her hand. I told her that I love her, and gave her a kiss on the forehead.

She opened her eyes both of those times, and she moved like she was trying to speak but she couldn’t say anything.

But I knew that she knew I was there and that I was talking to her and she recognized me.

My mom had told me, “Thank you for coming, Raquelita. You know she loved you…”

And I was so surprised. And touched.

I never thought she did.

Before I left, I sat next to her and held her hand again.

I wanted her to know that I understood. 

I knew so much more now, now I could see.

And they say that if all could be understood, all could be forgiven.

And it was. 

I understood and I forgave and I loved her, and I wanted her to know that.

I closed my eyes, and taking her hand, I imagined us both together surrounded by healing energy, a white energy of calm and of peace.

Without saying a word, I repeated in my mind “te quiero abuelita,” again and again. 

I watched as the energy between us turned green, coming from my heart space, an energy of love. 

“I love you, I understand. I forgive you.” 

And I hoped for the same.

And then I felt the energy change, and I saw color, all the colors of the rainbow, the energy around now vibrating brilliant reds orange yellow green, blue violet white, shimmering between us.

And I knew it was true. I too was loved. And I too, forgiven and understood.

I sat with my eyes closed, still holding her hand. 

I was surprised to see, in my inner vision, a dove which rested at my grandmother’s shoulder.

I was curious, I wondered, “Do I have a dove?”

And I heard an answer: “You do, we all do–but yours isn’t ready to rest yet.”

Holding her hand, with eyes closed, I saw a second dove, my own, flutter around and down to meet abuelita’s, and the two white doves nestled together near her heart, together at last, if only for a moment.

And that was how I said goodbye.

That was how I left her.

In peace.

Remembrance of Things Past: Part Two

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When the reiki healing ended, I sat up and Angelic started the “soul reading” part of our session, where she reported back to me some of what she had seen and received guidance on while she was working with me.

This one was very different from the first one she had given me.

She seemed noticeably stressed as she talked to me. I’m not exactly sure why. It’s possible that she may have just been in a hurry, as we had spent quite a bit of time chatting when I first got to her office.

But I think she was also kind of disturbed by what she had seen while working on clearing my energy this time.

The first time she had known about my “very trying past lives,” and told me so. She also had said that, while I seemed to have a very clear and open heart chakra, everything else was very blocked. 

But that first time what she told me was more general, and more focused on guidance about my current path in life and what my next steps were.

This time, she saw more into the details of some of these past lives (as well as my current one).

And what she saw was not pretty…

Since I had mentioned having had that brief vision of my past life to her before our session that day, she says she decided to ask Archangel Michael for more details and information about this.

She says she saw three.

The first past life she was given access to, I was a woman, a witch, in some Germanic or Norse regions a very long time ago.

She said I was a powerful seer and healer, but I lived by myself in a cabin in the forest far from the town, and was exiled and not included in the rest of the community. The people wold come to me and would use me for my knowledge and visionary abilities, but I was not liked or welcome among the rest of the people.

She also mentioned that if I didn’t already, I should start working with runes. I had done so in this past life, and she recommended that I try this now, as well.

The next past life she mentioned was the one I had been referring to when I told her about my short vision of one.

She said that she saw me, once again a woman in this past life, trapped in an underground cellar, “it was all dark cold stones and chains and it was just horrible.” I was kept a prisoner down there and tortured and god only knows what else…

She must have seen this while I was also having the vision I wrote about earlier, where I broke free from the tomb and escaped.

She says she also received information about a third life, but added that she didn’t see much else or have many details about it. She said that in this life I had “sinned,” although she was uncomfortable actually using that word, it wasn’t exactly what she meant. I had done something wrong, not in integrity, maybe something to hurt someone.

I asked what it was, but she said she didn’t know. “I don’t know, it could have been that you like, went and stabbed someone, I don’t always get all the details because then you might get all caught up in that and miss the point…”

The last thing that she mentioned was “strong Lilith energy” in my past.

She didn’t say it was in connection to a past life, so I think she is well aware that this is something during this lifetime.

She said that I have a lot of anger and stuck emotions in my second and third chakras, and that much of it may be related to this.

Remembrance of Things Past

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My first insight into my past lives happened several months ago, and I didn’t think much about it after that. 

It wasn’t until I went to my second session with Angelic that it came up again.

I’m not exactly sure how it came up in our conversation before the reiki healing, but I know I mentioned the short vision of the past life that I’d had, without giving very many details.

Just that I’d had it, and it had seemed like a difficult ending to that life, which seemed to confirm what she had told me before about having had “very trying past lives” where I was “persecuted for something I didn’t do.”

That was all I said, and she didn’t have much to add about it, and so we went ahead and started the session.

I’m pretty sure the part I’m about to describe began as Angelic was working on my 4th to my 3rd chakra.

Here is what I saw then: 

A cathedral at night appeared suddenly. I first saw it from above and kind of descended into it.

It was a cool night, and the inside of this cathedral was lit by hundreds of burning candles.

It was entirely empty, and it seemed to have been very late at night.

The scene then shifted, and I found myself outside, in a covered passageway running alongside one of the cathedral walls.

I then saw my past self, the one I had seen in my first past life vision.

I immediately ran toward her and embraced her. I threw my arms around her and held her so tightly. I was so happy and excited to see this woman I recognized as myself.

We separated, but I held my arm out to her, and then, arm in arm, just like old friends, we walked around the cathedral together, talking and quietly laughing and catching up.

This went on for several moments, then I started to wonder: who was it that had rushed up to meet this self?

I tried to imagine her. I wondered if it was the “me” that was laying there on that table in Angelic’s office, me dressed in an old gray sweater and black leggings, the “me” of today, Eleanor.

I tried to move my awareness out of the body I was inhabiting in this dream space. I tried putting myself in the place of “past me,” to observe from there this self that had just now rushed up to meet her with so much joy.

I took a step back then, and observed my Self.

I saw a brilliant white body of light, radiating outward, and having the outline of a human form. I saw this self as pure light, pure energy.

But when I decided to get closer and look directly at this self, this brilliant light became a perfect mirror, reflecting back to me my own image, whatever that happened to be at the time.

The scene shifted again. It was now the beginning of a very cool early morning, and I was in the graveyard outside the cathedral.

I came to my own grave. My past self had recently been buried here, and there were hundreds of white roses that had been piled upon my tomb earlier.

Then I found myself in this tomb, from within the vantage point of my buried past self.

There was a crack, a sliver of light coming through between the two heavy stones that had been laid over my grave.

I began to feel restless, and started shifting and moving around there in my grave.

Suddenly, I knew what I had to do. It was time for me to get up, and to leave my burial place behind.

I was concentrating on this when I heard a noise coming from right outside of Angelic’s office.

It was two older men who had started using one of the exercise machines placed right next to her door.

I started to get really upset. I was so mad. “Why won’t they just shut up?” I wondered.

I returned to my vision, and kept trying to focus on pushing aside the heavy tombstones and escaping my grave.

But the voices outside were too loud. They were too distracting.

“I can’t do it,” I thought. “They’re too loud, it’s their fault and I can’t so I won’t even try anymore.”

I started to get even more angry and upset.

“Here I am, trying to escape my grave, and these people are making it impossible for me. I’m doing my best to heal and I can’t because these people won’t let me!”

Then I had an insight: this was just like in my real life. 

People were always going to be in my way, telling me I couldn’t do this or I didn’t deserve that.

I had to be willing to stand up and rise, no matter what was going on outside of me. 

And so I made the decision: I was getting myself out of that grave, no matter what.

I turned my attention back to my inner vision. 

I focused on the heavy stones above my grave, and willed them to move apart enough that I could find my way out.

I was determined. This time, I wasn’t going to let anything stop me. 

The men outside kept talking. They kept on and on, but I just focused on my vision.

The voices outside were so loud then, they even appeared as characters in my vision (as angry townspeople yelling at the edge of the cemetary).

But I was already out. Nothing could stop me now.

Dressed in my burial gown of gold and white, I pulled myself completely out of that grave, and I started to run.

The sun was brilliant, blazing high above me. It shone for me, and it gave me strength. I felt this powerful, glowing warmth within and without. 

I picked up the pace, and I ran.

I ran and I ran, faster than I’d ever run before.

It was exhilarating. This freedom, this speed, this joy, as I ran, self-possessed and self-assured, encouraged by my brilliant, loving and powerful sun.

I ran. I came to a cliff’s edge and I jumped, leaping up, arms outstretched, to kiss the sun.

I became one with this power, before I turned and dove down, down into the sea below.

I started to swim slowly down, then more quickly.

Swiftly, I moved through the dark, quiet sea. 

As I swam, I picked up momentum, and quickly I made my way to the very bottom of the ocean.

I arrived at the very depths, and here, I found a great black boulder, and I swam near and pulled myself to rest on top of it.

Then suddenly, I was no longer at the bottom of the sea.

Instead, I saw myself, naked, covered only by my long black hair, sitting on this rock in outer space. 

I sat on this small black moon, a planet all to myself. 

An interstellar breeze caressed my skin and rustled my hair as I sat on my moon, contemplating the cosmos.

I was here for only a moment, not long at all, before I was overtaken by a new vision.

I was no longer on my moon. I was no longer anywhere, really.

All I knew was fire, all I could see where deep orange flames everywhere around me. 

I felt the anguish of burning, deep rage.

“NOOOOOOOOO!!”

I let out this primal animal scream inside my mind.

“No!” I repeated. “No! You don’t know me! Get away from me, get out! No!”

I wasn’t sure what was going on, or what this was about. 

But I knew that it was right for me to be here. 

I knew it was right for this to burn, so that one day it would turn to ashes, as it should.

So I let it burn.

My rage was all the fuel I ever needed, and I allowed it to be so.

I watched, in the flames, of the flames, on fire with this rage, consumed and willing to be here till eternity if need be.

Slowly, the flames died down, and then, a new vision quietly emerged.

Down at my feet, I felt the same vines of white roses as before appear, and begin to twine themselves over my body. The vine snaked itself around me, crawled around both of my ankles, white roses blooming, lovingly rooting me to the earth.

I felt a deep and pervading sense of calm. Maybe forgiveness, but even more than that, a sense of rightness, of being well with the world, of acceptance by the earth.

It told me, “It is okay. You don’t have to struggle anymore. You deserve to be here. Rest, you are at home.”

In Search of Lost Time

Eleanor1 Comment

I forget exactly what prompted my first inquiry into my past lives, but I think I was reading something about energy healing and how some of the traumas of a past life may carry over into the next one.

I was skeptical, but curious, and I remember thinking, “Hm… If I’d had a past life like this, I wonder what it would have been like?”

And immediately, an image flashed into my awareness.

I saw “past me,” at the moment when I knew I would not be able to escape and where I knew I was going to die.

The woman I saw looked kind of similar to the way I do now, but there were some subtle differences.

She had black hair, blue eyes, an attractive face. She was shorter than I am, had a fuller body type, and was wearing an expensive looking dress, which seemed to be in a late medieval/early renaissance style. I had the feeling that I was deeply involved in spiritual or religious life or was somehow involved with the church.

In the brief image that I had access to then, I saw myself underground, in a dimly lit stone tunnel or passageway.

I was running from people who wanted to trap me and hurt me. I tried to see more into the reasons why. All I got was the feeling that it was motivated by hatred, by envy or jealousy. There seemed to be people who were upset at how well-liked I was, or how “good” I may have appeared in the eyes of others, or even my success or esteem in a certain area.

There was also a man involved who seemed to be older than me, but I couldn’t really determine what his role was or the nature of his relationship to me. I just knew he had something to do with the situation I found myself in at the moment I saw myself in that brief vision.

I wasn’t able to see any more then, but very soon after, I had an intuition that this was related to a couple of things corresponding to my natal chart.

The first was the three planets I have in the twelfth house: Mercury, Venus and Jupiter. This may be why I have felt compelled to hide so much of what I feel are the good things about myself. 

This could very well be where my shyness and insecurity around my intelligence (Mercury), issues surrounding my perceived beauty and value and shame about being a woman (Venus), and my lack of belief in a right to expand, grow, take up space and achieve success (Jupiter) come from. 

The last thing that appeared related to this scene was my placement of Saturn on the Descendent/7th house cusp.

This can mean restrictions in how you relate to or access the outside world, as well as how you interact with and have relationships with others.

I’m not sure exactly how this past life influenced these placements in my chart, but I very much had the feeling that the two were connected.

Visions of Xiuhcóatl: Part 2

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Me as Cynthia, about to get eaten

During the last days of my medical treatment for the parasite, I was still feeling a lot of generalized fear and anxiety that would seem to come from nowhere and overtake me without warning.

One night, I was in meditation and I started to have a lot of fear regarding the way the vision had ended, with me being eaten by the turquoise serpent.

I think it was in response to one of the images Noé had sent me, of the man being swallowed by the serpent.

In his message he had said, “we see the being consumed by the matter planes and lower body impulses (Coátl) and unable to act for itself controlled by the parasites..”

😬

I was like, “Uh oh…this guy on the Mayan vase looks A LOT like me being eaten the other day. Am I in trouble?” 

I started to panic, thinking, “Oh no, it’s all over, I’m doomed,” etc.

But a stronger voice from above said, “Hell no! Don’t believe it. You will be given another vision, you’ll know what to do.”

I thought, “Oh no, not now! I’m too scared. I couldn’t…”

But it came more quickly than I’d imagined it would.

First, I saw the turquoise serpent to my right, with my body still in its belly.

Then a very large dragon appeared: a bright green, distinctly female dragon. It had a cute little red bow attached to the left side of its head. I feel a bit silly saying this, but that’s kind of how I knew it was me.

But not the personal, little me, not Eleanor, lying immobilized in the serpent’s stomach.

It was my higher self, my soul, the part of me which is eternal and beyond.

She took a step toward the serpent and looked him right in the eyes. He bowed his head, and though he didn’t seem to like it, he didn’t make any move to resist as she stepped forward and swallowed him whole, head-first.

It’s your turn now hehe 😉

I was a bit confused by this detail. “Are you sure?” I had always seen those images of the Ouroboros, the snake (or sometimes dragon) eating its own tail, and I thought it would be the same here.

“No, it has to be this way,” was the answer.

As I watched the last bit of the serpent’s tail disappear into her mouth, the dragon gave herself a little pat on the belly. With a wink, she said, “Don’t worry, babe. It’s not to hurt you, it’s to integrate you.” 😉

[Apparently my higher self has a sense of humor.]

I immediately recognized her words as echoing those of the serpent as he swallowed me to “transmute” me.

And then I saw as the head of the serpent reached the tail of the dragon, and vice versa. In this way, the opposites met and were joined.

The insides of their bodies dissolved into a golden, liquid substance, while their skins hardened into the shell of an egg. 

I saw my body inside the golden amniotic fluid of what was, I soon noticed, not an egg but a chrysalis. 

I lay inside this cocoon where, like the butterfly, I would soon begin to undergo the process of digesting myself, dissolving the cells of what once was in order to be transformed into the self I was born to become. 

And with that, the vision ended: with me, in a gentle sleep before the last decay. Relaxed, safe and enclosed within my own energy, ready to release and to regenerate anew. 

That night I slept more peacefully than I have in many months. I felt it was an important conclusion to something which still felt unfinished after the first vision.

Visions of Xiuhcóatl

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Last week, I enrolled in a course through Calea Flora called “Xiuhcóatl Dream Cancellation/Transmutation.”

Xiuhcóatl is a Nahuatl word that translates as “turquoise serpent”, and he was thought to be the spirit form of Xiuhtecutli, an Aztec fire god.

He is also seen depicted as a lightning-like weapon wielded by Huitzilopochtli, the fiery solar god of war.

The next day, I had a session with my reiki healer in which I was given a vision of Xiuhcóatl.

After this vision, I reached out to Noé, the founder of Calea Florea, for an “Oneiric Dream Guidance Consultation”.

What follows is the text of my first message to Noé describing my the vision that I had.

Surprisingly, I only did the dream transmutation once before I was given the vision of Xiuhcoatl.

The reason I felt called to do the dream transmutation was because I have been having some health problems and a lot of fears related to that. 

I really went to the worst-case scenario in my mind when it came to my health, but it turned out to have been a parasite I think I got during the time I’d been living in Mexico this last year (I just returned to the U.S. a month ago).

I had a lot of fears about having an incurable or deadly illness, which turned out to not be the case. But I felt there was something important about these fears that was driving me to explore the theme further.

I had three dreams about this, in which I was shown that my worst fears were as of yet untrue, but they carried a message: that I needed to care for myself, nurture myself and protect myself more (or they could very well become true at some later date if this message was ignored).

So when I did the dream transmutation, I asked to transmute not the dreams I remembered (since they had a positive outcome) but the unconscious dreams and even unconscious desire for illness I may have had and to choose and cultivate health instead.

During the session with my healer, she also communicates with my guides and receives impressions about what is going on with me energetically.

She later told me she had seen a dragon appear as she was working on my heart chakra. 

That was when Xiuhcoatl appeared to me as a giant turquoise serpent. I was surprised because he asked me for permission before we really began to interact further. 

This has never happened to me before (but I think it’s because I usually work only with the Divine Mother and Archangel Raphael and, less frequently, Archangel Michael. I’m not sure, but it’s possible I may have assented to their assistance before without knowing, possibly in a previous lifetime—but that’s just a theory). 

I was laying on a massage table in my healer’s office at the time, and after I agreed he started to travel across my field of consciousness (my eyes were closed) in a kind of rotating figure-8 pattern.

But he quickly moved beneath me, under my body and underneath the earth, and began eating my darkness, leaving a rainbow trail of light wherever he passed.

That’s the only way I can describe it. He ate my darkness, all of the stuff in the earth behind and beneath me (maybe my unconscious fears and desires that I had asked for help in releasing). 

After a few minutes of this, I asked him, “Who created the darkness?”

“You did,” he answered.

“How?”

“By looking away. There actually is no darkness. It’s just a lack of vision.”

I took this to mean that in some way, what I perceived as “bad” or “wrong” out in the world was being created by me all the time. It wasn’t inherently evil, but instead caused by a lack of conscious awareness. 

It was my unwillingness to see the truth of what was real that created the “darkness” in the first place, which in turn created consequences in the world I perceived as disturbing or “evil”.

I’m still not sure if that makes sense, but that’s what I understood at the time.

Then I think I got kind of frustrated with the process and I thought, this is never going to work! If I’m creating the darkness, then it’s everywhere. It extends out to the farthest reaches of the universe, as far as I can see with my mind’s eye…

And Xiuhcoatl turned to me and said, “Alright then.”

And then he opened his mouth and ate me, swallowing me whole in one movement.

“That solves it.”

I was kind of shocked, I did not expect that. But I said thank you, because I knew what his intention was. He didn’t eat me to hurt me, but to transmute me.

And I sat there for several moments in the belly of the serpent, and watched as he digested me. 

When he was done, his body became less solid and he slithered away from my remains as a kind of ghost… I continued to decompose underneath the earth, until I was ready to grow again.

Then I saw a tree grow from my remains, a flowering tree bearing heavy fruit in the summer.

This tree lived and grew on a farm, and underneath was a table which a woman approached with an icy glass pitcher of fruit juice. I recognized her as myself, but reborn. 

But at that moment, I felt afraid that it was not me in this lifetime but the next. And so I asked, “Does this mean I’m going to die?”

“Of course you’re going to die. Just like everybody else,” I heard Xiuhcoatl answer. “But not yet. You have things to do here first.”

At this point I started to panic, and I asked for specific information, which he denied me. 

He said, “All these fears that you’ve been projecting out into the future—they’re not it. Let it go.

You are being called to your purpose. Prepare now. This is not only about you. Do not fear. Take care of yourself first and begin preparing for what will come. You will be given what you need. Stop worrying. Let go of fear. DIE NOW. So that you may start living. DIE NOW.”

And that was it. That was the end of it. As the reiki session ended, I could feel his voice reverberating, over and over again, “DIE NOW.”

It was very interesting, because the experience I had in my vision of Xiuhcoatl was very different than it usually is. 

As I mentioned earlier, I typically work only with the Divine Mother and Archangel Raphael in my visions, and they are very gentle. They seem to have infinite patience and compassion and really seek to soothe me when I’m feeling afraid.

Not Xiuhcoatl. He had NO patience for me and my fear. At one point he basically told me to shut up, he said, “You’re so busy projecting out your thoughts of fear you can’t even hear us when we’re trying to help you. Be quiet and LISTEN. We’re trying to give you guidance but you need to calm down and be willing to receive it first.”

I wanted to add one last note that might help explain what was meant by “die now.”

I have been having a hard time with my writing and my work and business because I am afraid to speak up and share my self and my ideas with the world.

I’ve had visions of past lives before where I saw how I had been accused of being a witch, tortured and killed in not one, but many lifetimes. 

I know that I am not there now and things may be different, but the terror of more openly speaking out loud and sharing with the world is overpowering. I really feel like I’m going to die if I do so.

So instead I hold everything in. I’ve had a hard time being willing to release and express not just my pain and my past but also my gifts and my vision.

I think this may be why I’m having so many problems in my root or first chakra—because I’m unwilling to release, and it’s making me sick.

Introduction to Inner Visions: Part Two

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Later in the day, I received an audio recording from my reiki healer, containing a summary of what she had seen while working with my energy. She had explained that she typically consults the Akashic records and my spirit guides, as well as other entities such as archangels or the divine mother, while working with my energy.

Angelic started with a brief description of how my aura/energy body appeared to her during the session. 

She said that my heart chakra was“pristine”, appearing completely clear and without any blocks. To her this meant that one of my gifts is claircognizance and clairsentience, which can appear as a sudden and clear inner knowing.  In fact, one of the most important next steps for me is learning to trust more in myself and this inner knowing.

There seemed to be noticeable blockage and stagnation in the upper part of my aura, lots of head congestion, likely due to overthinking. My third eye and crown chakra appeared quite blocked due to relying too much on logical/analytical thought processes, all of which was rooted in fear and attempts to try and figure things out.

“Above all, your spirit guides say that you need to trust yourself. Coming into your own is the next big step.

During the session, she had also consulted with Archangel Michael, keeper of the Akashic Records.

“Archangel Michael was very gentle with you. That’s the only way I know how to put it. You’ve had some very trying past lives, during which you have faced a lot of adversity. You’ve spent many lifetimes persecuted for something you didn’t do, punished for crimes you didn’t commit.” 

She reiterated again how gentle and compassionate Archangel Michael had approached her when speaking of me (which apparently is not the norm). “You need to know this: you are strong.”

In contrast to other sessions I would later have with her, Angelic spent the majority of this reading/recording sharing the very broad view of me and my soul and my purpose which she had been given then by Archangel Michael: 

“Your dominant energy is peace. This is why you incarnated: you came to embody peace. You came to practice acceptance: letting things flow in and out. Learning to choose your battles wisely. Let people walk in and out of your life. 

“Acceptance is non-struggle. Flow with the current of life and not against it. When you master this, you will experience incredible natural blessings, synchronicities, and joy in your life.

“The things that you are searching for, Eleanor, they are searching for you.  The only way to receive them is to not resist how they come about.

“Just be. Don’t hold onto things. It accelerates your blessings. You’re being blessed for balancing out the karma.

“Your life path is one of service– the path of release and forgiveness. 

“You definitely have the path of a spiritual teacher, a very unique path. It is not just any spiritual path though–some are called to work with certain specific energies, and of all the energy of the divine feminine, you resonate strongly with crone energy.

“Many in this age are drawn to the spiritual path to be “lightworkers” – but not you. You are instead here to serve as a “shadow worker.” 

“You have the capacity to deal with the darker sides of life, to do shadow work and work with the subconscious mind. You can handle the taboo, the guilt, and the shame that lies within others. 

“You can hold this space for other people, you can help save them. You can allow them to forgive, to release, to transition. 

“This is your lesson: surrender is the greatest form of blessing. You recognize that you and the divine are one. Every time you surrender to a higher power an even greater outcome happens.

“People on this path are training to be spiritual teachers. You already are, in this lifetime, but you are preparing for the next incarnation, as well.”

“Your next right step: to become. Step into your role as a teacher. Embody your truths. Trust yourself. Become by un-becoming previous notions and conditions.

“This stage of your life is very phoenix-like. You are shaking off old beliefs–now you are undoing. This undoing is your becoming. You are stepping into your own truth, your authenticity, your own power.”

“Your power isn’t over others, it isn’t manifested in a way that is forceful or against, it is a knowing, a remembering, of who you are. Your life path is very transformative, you are very much like a phoenix.

She said that my guides had words for her which she initially thought a bit strange or unusual. They had said: “The process of undoing is a death and the process of becoming is a birth. Only the wisest walk this.”

She summarized by reminding me that I have strong crone energy; my purpose will involve some kind of shadow work; and I can serve by being a kind of midwife, or perhaps a death doula. 

Either way, I am meant to be a guide for others in their own processes of birth, death, and transformation.

Her final words had to do with what was to come next for me. There were difficult times ahead, but I would do well to have faith. 

“Fear not the truth. Lies will be coming to the surface. Don’t be afraid to face it, to demand the truth, to accept what really is: it is the very thing that is going to free you. 

“Prepare for the shifts by being willing to let go. Don’t fear the current. You came here to do transformative work, not just on a personal level, but on a collective level as well.

Hearing these words, I was stunned. I had never met or spoken with Angelic before, but she seemed to recognize the deepest part of my core identity, to see the needs and dreams and directions of my soul in this short time we had together.

I have kept these words in mind in the days that followed. It can be hard to stay focused at times, but when I begin to feel lost I come back to this, and find strength in remembering the truth of who I am.

An Introduction to Inner Visions

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About a year ago, I started working with a Reiki healer for the first time, due to some challenges I was experiencing with my health.

White roses bloom

During these sessions, I began having a series of visions that were ultimately instrumental in healing deep-rooted issues (some of them even addressing trauma experienced in past lifetimes.

I wanted to begin sharing these visions with you here. 

First, I’d like to explain what I mean by “vision.”

I’d describe the experience of the visions I’ve had as a kind of altered state of consciousness. The closest thing I can compare it to is simply a dream, but there were some important differences. 

For one, although I was relaxed, I was still fully awake and alert, able to open my eyes and move if I wanted to.

Like in most dreams, I did not have control over the contents of these visions. I experienced them as being “given” to me by something beyond myself (or at least, beyond my conscious, ego self). 

Unlike lucid dreaming, where you can influence the object and events which you’d like to appear in your dream world, I had far less control. 

It was as if all I had was a remote control, where I could slow down, move on to the next scene, and even go deeper into a particular scene or object. The content of what I saw, however, was not up to me to determine.

I had my first session in August of 2020, and my first experience was fairly simple. This was a distance healing, and I later found the in-person sessions to be far more intense.

At the start of the session, I put everything down and lay on my bed in a quiet room, with eyes closed and an intention to be as receptive to the energy as possible.

Not long after, I began to see in the darkness behind closed eyes what appeared to be shifting shades of colored light.  It was more like the emptiness of the dark void was a piece of  black or dark gray paper being painted with light watercolors. 

The blackness remained, but there was a new overtone, a shading that was not present earlier. These colors started out on the violet end of the spectrum down to red, as my healer worked with my energy body from the crown of my head to the root chakra. 

After several more minutes, I started to see more concrete images appear in my field of awareness. I began to sense all the blocked areas within me, places where there was stuck energy, the result of long years of denial and suppressed emotions. 

The stuck areas appeared to me like old, dusty scrolls of parchment covered in illegibly scribbled symbols, written ages ago by the hands of men who never knew me, men who had long since died, men who did not matter.

As I felt light come into contact with the stuck energy, I saw the parchment burst into brilliant orange flames. These flames consumed the paper, devouring the scratches of ink, nullifying all that was ever thought or written by false authorities of times past.

Where once there had been records of false philosophies, now, there was only ashes. From the ashes of this all-consuming fire, I saw the tendrils of vines sprout and grow to cover the charred earth. The vibrant green of these vines soon gave way to the blooming of lavish white roses, bursting with life and vitality, almost overwhelming in their rich aliveness.

I could feel myself being renewed by the cleansing breath of the flames as they coursed through my body. The fresh vitality unfolding in the roses which bloomed within assured me with hope of a new life to come.