Journal Date: February 4th, 2021
I had another reiki session with Angelic yesterday.
As usual, it was a good experience. I feel like it was very healing.
This time I also had very interesting and intense visions while she was doing the energy healing.
It began as it usually does.
At first, I didn’t see very much at all.
Then, shifting colors began appearing in my field of inner vision.
After a few more minutes, a more definite image began to emerge.
It took me by surprise.
The first image that appeared was a crocodile.
It was not what I expected.
But I decided to just stay with it, allow it, follow it and see where it took me.
I followed it down the banks of the Nile River and ended up in Ancient Egypt. I saw the great civilization, and all of the magic that went on there. I could see the great cities, and the temples lit up at night.
And I tried to look for myself, to see if I was there, how I fit into all this.
And with that, I found myself somewhere else.
This time, it was morning, and I was in a garden, somewhere in or near Mexico City.
I was wearing a flowing white knee length dress and gold sandals, and my dog Beso was there with me, with a white and gold collar and leash set.
We walked together along a garden path until we reached an elegant temple in the middle of the tropical garden we were in.
Together, we walked up the stairs and stepped inside.
The inside of this temple was dazzlingly beautiful, and with its high vaulted ceilings and long expanses of glass windows stretching up towards the sky, had the look and feel of a renaissance cathedral.
I walked, with Beso beside me on his leash, down the long aisle towards the beautifully decorated altar.
Once we arrived at the front of the cathedral, I noticed another section of this temple which had caught my attention. I turned to my left and began walking in this direction.
This section of the temple appeared to be a museum, and it was much darker here than the rest of the space, the only light coming from the glass box display cases.
Stepping inside, I realized that this museum was dedicated to me.
Looking closer, I could see, yes, each display case held items or photographs of events from my past. It was arranged chronologically, starting at birth.
My first thought on seeing this was, “Oh no… I can’t go through this again.”
I heard a voice (which would later speak to me at similar critical times) answer, “Yes, you can. You can do this. It’s safe to see what there is to be seen here.”
So I took a step forward, and I continued.
It was difficult to go back through this reliquary containing my past.
So much suffering was contained within these displays.
But there was beauty, and there were tender moments, some measure of sweetness, and little bit of joy, as well.
As I walked, there were moments that overwhelmed me, and I felt that I could not go on.
But as before, a voice from beyond encouraged me. “Keep going. You can. There is nothing for you to fear within these walls.”
So I did.
I walked and I looked and I took the time to feel for everything that came up.
I cried, very often. So many tears had to be shed.
But this time, they were tears of compassion, sympathy and love, filled with sadness for the girl and the woman I’d once been (rather than of shame and bitterness, as they had often come before).
I won’t spend much time now on the specifics of what I saw there–it’s nothing new, nothing I haven’t known about or written extensively on before by now.
What is important here is the journey I made through this memorial of my self, and how I felt and reacted to what was there.
After maybe 20 minutes in this process, I finally made it to the last display case, to the present moment and the end of the museum.
When I had arrived at the end of the final exhibit, all of a sudden the dark wing of the temple containing this museum lit up, and was now brightly lit with hundreds of candles and torches illuminating the beautifully decorated walls.
And now I could see up to the ceiling of this cathedral, where uncovered windows showed the brilliant, burning stars shining down into my corner of the cosmos.
It was very late, maybe 4 or 5am – an entire night had passed during my descent into my own personal underworld.
It felt like a signal that my descent was over. And I felt I was being honored with this beautiful display for having made it through.
I knew that soon, the sun would be rising outside, and that my time in this temple of the past was near its end. I felt I was being asked, “Do you have anything you would like to say before you leave here?”
And before I could think twice, I heard myself answer, “Thank you.”
And then immediately, another part of me responded with something like, “Really?? Thank you? Are you kidding me?”
“Well, yeah…” I shyly responded. Then, a little more surely, “I guess I am grateful – it got me here, didn’t it? It made me who I am. And I’m proud of that.”
Though I was still tearful as I lay there on the table in Angelic’s office (the “real,” physical me) had to smile a little: it was true. I was grateful. And yes, I was proud. I had made it. I had made it through to the other side of all that.
And though it seemed enough to simply have survived, what’s more, I knew that one day, I would say that I had triumphed.
At that point, I looked down at my wrist, and I saw some markings appear there.
They were the two tattoos that I have wanted to get, the infinity symbol on my left wrist, and a small black skull on my right, both drawn in the style of the Smith-Waite tarot.
And I remembered what I had recently heard Clarissa Pinkola Estés say about the scars that people like me carried:
“It’s never going to look like you never suffered. Although I say, be proud of your scars. It has everything to do with your strength and what you’ve endured. It’s a map, so to speak, a treasure map to the self, the deepest self.”
And then I heard a voice say, “You have nothing to be ashamed of anymore. You can leave all of that behind. It was never truly yours to carry in the first place.”
I acknowledged this was true. This is a major part of what the inner work of the last year has shown me: most of the shame I carried came from things which had been done to me, not by me.
I carried the shame of my abusers, of my attackers, and those who had committed crimes against me.
I carried the burden of guilt that properly belong to the men who had raped, assaulted or used me, the mother who hated me, the father who had refused to protect me from harm.
I had created this structure of lies about myself and my life, all resting upon this false foundation: “It’s because you deserved it. If you had simply been better, they wouldn’t have ‘had’ to…”
Well, now I know better. Now I knew that the failings were not mine. I did not bear the responsibility, and I could not account for these sins of theirs.
The voice spoke again.
“There is nothing to fear here. You don’t have to be afraid any longer. You may return whenever you want to, and you will find only peace here.”
And with that, I was ready.
With little Beso next to me, I stepped outside the temple door into the early morning light.
The sun had not come fully over the horizon yet, but the sky was becoming lighter with each passing second.
Beso and I walked down the rear temple stairs, both of us now dressed in new clothes: he was in an adorable little white doggie tuxedo with a gold leash, while I now stood in a flowing floor length chiffon gown with a light white cape, all with gold details, as well as a golden necklace decorated with pearls, and similarly made matching earrings.
After walking down the stars, we stepped onto a garden path that first led to a fountain filled with flowing water.
I walked to it, and dipped my hands into the running water and brought it to my face, and with a white towel, cleansed myself before continuing down the garden trail.
It was here that I stepped onto what was now a grass-covered path with my bare feet. The sun was shining down on the earth, and the grass felt both warmed by the sun while retaining a certain earthy coolness belonging to the morning.
From there on, I walked barefoot on the grass with little Beso by my side until I reached a throne, also gold and ivory and decorated with pearls to match the clothes I was already wearing.
I sat down, and it was here that my gold and white crown appeared on my head.
I had made it.
I was now sovereign, ruler of my own kingdom.
I had learned how to belong to myself, discovered my own agency, and the right and ability to make decisions that would serve me and all that I oversaw.
Once I had been crowned and was comfortably seated on my throne, people began to arrive.
They were all dressed mostly in white, along with the addition of one bright primary color as an accessory (like a royal blue belt or a red scarf).
When all of the guests had arrived for the celebration we were to have, it made for a very vibrantly colorful and energetic garden party.
As they arrived, the guests spoke to me.
They welcome me to my kingdom.
They told me, “You made it.”
“We’ve been waiting for you.”
“We’re so glad you’re finally here.”
They were all so happy to see me.
And it turns out they had expected me, had wanted to spend time with me, had been waiting just for me.
So when everyone arrived, we had our celebration.
It was a very peaceful, calm and relaxed garden lunch. We sat at a table set in the grass, covered in white linen with gold place settings, and ate healthy fruit and salads, drinking only water, juice and green tea.
The conversation lasted long into the afternoon, and nothing very much in particular happened. We just laughed and smiled and talked and enjoyed each other’s company.
Around this point, I left the perspective of being in my own body within the vision, and the scene seemed to zoom out until I could see the entire globe, spinning slowly in the void of space.
As it spun, day shifted into night and then again to day and back again, and the people continued on, with no interruption to the rhythm of their peaceful daily happenings. All was calm, all continued with grace, and a gentle and reassuring order prevailed.
I saw myself again (this time, in a new change of clothes–a white button down shirt and pants) go on to interact with new people, and take on the role of a healer and helper.
And this, too, like day and night, alternated in a graceful rhythm, becoming part of the pattern of a new life of purpose and contentment.