Journal Date: October 29, 2020
Today I had a phone consultation with Leah Garza of Crystals of Altamira for an Akashic Records reading.
My question to Leah was, “How can I heal after a lifetime of trauma? Is it even possible for me?”
Here is what she told me according to what she saw in the Akashic Records.
She told me that I have indeed had a difficult life, but it was the exact right situation for me to understand my power. There was an intentional reason for what I have experienced in this life, and knowing this and shifting my perspective toward it can change how I relate to it.
Leah told me that in some way, I am always on the path. I am never not heading toward my destiny. What I can do is to focus on coming into greater resonance and alignment.
She said that it’s true, I am meant to be a healer and to be of service to others in this life. That is my path, but I am going about it the wrong way.
The way that I have been approaching it has been with the attitude that, “If I’m doing it just for me, then it’s self-centered and selfish.”
I have been trying to help others from a self-sacrificial, even codependent stance. Being of service with “please accept me” as the hidden, underlying motive is the wrong way to go about this.
I understand exactly what she means by this. I grew up with these ideas crushed into my psyche through intense shame, punishment, violence and rejection. The only way that I could be “good” and worthy of existence was if I disregarded my own needs entirely and focused exclusively on meeting the needs of others. Then, if their needs were met, I might someday be rewarded with whatever was left.
What I needed to do was “put pleasure first. You can be of service, but it should be from a place where it fills you up,” she said. “You should be asking yourself, ‘How can I give myself permission to enjoy life? Choose pleasure, all the time. You have the right. Just claim it.”
Leah said I had to be willing to turn my back on societal pressures to be endlessly self-sacrificing in order to live up to their ideas of what a “good” woman was.
“There is this fear that you have that, in breaking from the norm, you’ll draw attention to yourself, and it could lead to violence.”
I know that this is true, especially in what I believe may have happened in some of my past lives.
“You should sit with this question: ‘How can I love and accept myself if I’m cast out? If I’m not accepted?
“If you entertain this thought, it doesn’t mean that it will happen. Just consider it.
“Meet your body where it’s at. Ask yourself, “If this happens, how can I be okay with that?”
With that, she finished with the guidance the records had for me on what I had asked. But she told me my guides had another message for me:
“You need to make art. You are an artist.You need to make and build for yourself, not for anyone else’s consumption. You can think about sharing with others later, but create first.”
It was something I had not really considered before. I had always wanted to be a writer, and had always felt I had a poetic sensibility and approach to life.
But there I think there was something in me that felt it was selfish to pursue that. I had always been so focused on meeting the needs of others that that thought of creating for myself first had seemed impossible.
Now I’m starting to consider that there is, in fact, an inherent value in what I create and do for myself that is intrinsic and needs not involve anyone else.
And perhaps they are not mutually exclusive. Maybe through my work people will be able to find some of the healing that I have worked so hard to cultivate for myself.