Tag: creation

The Tower of Babel

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“In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning. Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind.” –John 1:1

For most of my life, my greatest passion has been the search for knowledge.

A lonely child, I found refuge in books: in fiction, tales about foreign lands and fantastic creatures; in practical books about science, the earth, and life processes; in languages, philosophy, religion; in the paranormal, occult, and mysterious. You name it, I had to know about it.

I often felt like everyone else had gotten the instruction manual on this thing called Life, and I was the only one left empty-handed.

And so I took this business very seriously. I read anything and everything I could get my hands on. Somewhere out there was the answer, one day I would find the truth behind it all, and everything would make sense.

In college, I studied literature and languages, and later went to graduate school for a master’s degree in Rhetoric & Composition. I developed an obsession with epistemology, the study of truth, language, and what we can know.

Eventually I started to think that maybe Socrates had it right all along, and the answer was that we truly can know nothing;  but my obsession now had a life of its own, and the demon inside me demanding answers ate every piece of text and trivia in its path, never satisfied, always hungry for more.

I was building my very own Tower of Babel, and it was destroying me. Every Word was another brick in this tower, growing higher and higher into the sky, and I thought that in this way I would one day touch God.

This tower was not built of truth, but of ego. It was a fortress meant to protect me from this reality: that I was terrified, confused, lost and alone.

As all I had built crumbled in a flash, I saw that each little piece of knowledge, each little fact, each bit of data was a line of defense against the world, against chaos, and against life.

It was awareness that I was seeking, and consciousness that I needed.

Words can be a useful tool in directing thought, in guiding the mind to greater consciousness. The word is creative, it is generative, it directs the manifestation of life, but it is not life itself.

Akashic Records Reading

EleanorLeave a comment

Journal Date: October 29, 2020

Today I had a phone consultation with Leah Garza of Crystals of Altamira for an Akashic Records reading. 

My question to Leah was, “How can I heal after a lifetime of trauma? Is it even possible for me?”

Here is what she told me according to what she saw in the Akashic Records.

She told me that I have indeed had a difficult life, but it was the exact right situation for me to understand my power. There was an intentional reason for what I have experienced in this life, and knowing this and shifting my perspective toward it can change how I relate to it.

Leah told me that in some way, I am always on the path. I am never not heading toward my destiny. What I can do is to focus on coming into greater resonance and alignment. 

She said that it’s true, I am meant to be a healer and to be of service to others in this life. That is my path, but I am going about it the wrong way. 

The way that I have been approaching it has been with the attitude that, “If I’m doing it just for me, then it’s self-centered and selfish.” 

I have been trying to help others from a self-sacrificial, even codependent stance. Being of service with “please accept me” as the hidden, underlying motive is the wrong way to go about this.

I understand exactly what she means by this. I grew up with these ideas crushed into my psyche through intense shame, punishment, violence and rejection. The only way that I could be “good” and worthy of existence was if I disregarded my own needs entirely and focused exclusively on meeting the needs of others. Then, if their needs were met, I might someday be rewarded with whatever was left.

What I needed to do  was “put pleasure first. You can be of service, but it should be from a place where it fills you up,” she said. “You should be asking yourself, ‘How can I give myself permission to enjoy life? Choose pleasure, all the time. You have the right. Just claim it.”

Leah said I had to be willing to turn my back on societal pressures to be endlessly self-sacrificing in order to live up to their ideas of what a “good” woman was.

“There is this fear that you have that, in breaking from the norm, you’ll draw attention to yourself, and it could lead to violence.”

I know that this is true, especially in what I believe may have happened in some of my past lives.

“You should sit with this question: ‘How can I love and accept myself if I’m cast out? If I’m not accepted?

“If you entertain this thought, it doesn’t mean that it will happen. Just consider it.

“Meet your body where it’s at. Ask yourself, “If this happens, how can I be okay with that?”

With that, she finished with the guidance the records had for me on what I had asked. But she told me my guides had another message for me: 

“You need to make art. You are an artist.You need to make and build for yourself, not for anyone else’s consumption. You can think about sharing with others later, but create first.”

It was something I had not really considered before. I had always wanted to be a writer, and had always felt I had a poetic sensibility and approach to life. 

But there I think there was something in me that felt it was selfish to pursue that. I had always been so focused on meeting the needs of others that that thought of creating for myself first had seemed impossible. 

Now I’m starting to consider that there is, in fact, an inherent value in what I create and do for myself that is intrinsic and needs not involve anyone else. 

And perhaps they are not mutually exclusive. Maybe through my work people will be able to find some of the healing that I have worked so hard to cultivate for myself.