I’ve been thinking often about the past.
That is nothing new. But what is new are the things that are coming up for me.
So many long-forgotten memories are coming to the surface.
So many feelings and events and versions of me that I have mostly been avoiding. The past is so painful, I’ve just wanted to bury the entire thing and forget about it all.
But I’ve been surprised by my self the past few days; not all of these memories are bad ones.
There are actually many, many things which have made me smile. And some which have even made me feel very proud of myself and the person I was.
Mostly, it has been bittersweet.
I’ve been able to look back and see that there were so many good things about me that I have chosen to not recognize.
And I have found that even in the most painful, tragic circumstances of my past, there is the recognition that I was truly doing the best I knew how to do.
Now that I’m further removed from it, I can see the impossibility of the situation for what it was. I can forgive myself now. What I did then didn’t mean what I thought it did at the time. Even in my greatest darkness, I find that there is some redemption.
Visita Interiora Terrae Rectificando Invenies Occultum Lapidem
“Visit the innermost parts of the Earth; by setting things right, you will find the Hidden Stone.”
I came across this phrase as I was reading a book on alchemy last night.
I wrote it down immediately. I felt it was perfect for the process I am undergoing now.
I’m visiting the deepest parts of myself, places I didn’t even know existed still. I am going to the core of my being, and with new vision, I find that I am capable of setting things right.
I am finding that what I pushed down as unworthy, the things that weighed heavy on my heart like lead, often contained a secret shimmer of gold.