te quiero abuelita

I went to see my grandmother today.

She was at the hospice. She’s dying.

I haven’t seen her since she first went to the hospital.

My mom told me that she has mostly been unresponsive for the past few days.

When I got there, I wanted to have some time alone with her, so I asked my mom to give me some time to be with her.

I sat holding her hand. I told her that I love her, and gave her a kiss on the forehead.

She opened her eyes both of those times, and she moved like she was trying to speak but she couldn’t say anything.

But I knew that she knew I was there and that I was talking to her and she recognized me.

My mom had told me, “Thank you for coming, Raquelita. You know she loved you…”

And I was so surprised. And touched.

I never thought she did.

Before I left, I sat next to her and held her hand again.

I wanted her to know that I understood. 

I knew so much more now, now I could see.

And they say that if all could be understood, all could be forgiven.

And it was. 

I understood and I forgave and I loved her, and I wanted her to know that.

I closed my eyes, and taking her hand, I imagined us both together surrounded by healing energy, a white energy of calm and of peace.

Without saying a word, I repeated in my mind “te quiero abuelita,” again and again. 

I watched as the energy between us turned green, coming from my heart space, an energy of love. 

“I love you, I understand. I forgive you.” 

And I hoped for the same.

And then I felt the energy change, and I saw color, all the colors of the rainbow, the energy around now vibrating brilliant reds orange yellow green, blue violet white, shimmering between us.

And I knew it was true. I too was loved. And I too, forgiven and understood.

I sat with my eyes closed, still holding her hand. 

I was surprised to see, in my inner vision, a dove which rested at my grandmother’s shoulder.

I was curious, I wondered, “Do I have a dove?”

And I heard an answer: “You do, we all do–but yours isn’t ready to rest yet.”

Holding her hand, with eyes closed, I saw a second dove, my own, flutter around and down to meet abuelita’s, and the two white doves nestled together near her heart, together at last, if only for a moment.

And that was how I said goodbye.

That was how I left her.

In peace.

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