Tag: Intimacy

Disorganized Attachment

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Attachment theory proposes that the quality of the relationship between a child and their primary caregiver sets the foundation for the individual’s future social and emotional development. A secure attachment style, characterized by a sense of safety, trust, and confidence in relationships, is linked to positive outcomes, such as higher levels of self-esteem, better coping skills, and healthier relationships.

However, when caregivers are inconsistent, unpredictable, or emotionally unavailable, a child may develop an insecure attachment style, leading to difficulties in adulthood. One of the most difficult of these insecure attachment styles is the disorganized attachment style, which can have severe consequences for adult behavior in relationships.

Disorganized attachment develops when a child experiences both the desire for closeness and the fear of the caregiver simultaneously. In other words, the caregiver becomes a source of both comfort and fear, leading to confusion and disorientation in the child. The child may express this conflict by displaying contradictory behaviors, such as seeking proximity to the caregiver while at the same time avoiding or pushing them away. Disorganized attachment arises from trauma, neglect, or abuse, and is often associated with the parent’s own unresolved emotional issues or trauma.

In adulthood, disorganized attachment may manifest in various ways that can negatively affect the quality of intimate relationships. Adults with disorganized attachment may have difficulty regulating their emotions, leading to impulsive behavior, poor impulse control, and mood swings. They may also struggle to communicate their emotions and needs effectively, leading to misunderstandings and conflict in their relationships. Moreover, people with a disorganized attachment style may have a negative view of themselves and struggle with low self-esteem, leading to feelings of insecurity and fear of rejection in relationships.

People with disorganized attachment may also struggle with intimacy and trust. They may have a hard time forming close relationships and may be suspicious or fearful of others’ motives. They may also struggle with vulnerability, as they may associate it with danger or rejection. This can lead to avoidance of intimacy or engaging in self-sabotaging behaviors that push away potential partners.

In addition, disorganized attachment is associated with a higher risk of mental health issues such as depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). These mental health issues can further interfere with the individual’s ability to form and maintain healthy relationships. Moreover, people with disorganized attachment may have a higher risk of substance abuse, eating disorders, and other addictive behaviors as a way to cope with their emotional distress.

VI. The Lovers

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The Lovers

Keywords for the Lovers

LOVEDESIRE
RELATIONSHIPATTRACTION
INTIMACYMAKING A CHOICE
CONNECTIONCOMMITMENT
SEXUALITYUNION

In The Lovers card of the Major Arcana, we come upon a scene that appears to be the Garden of Eden. 

To our right stands man, symbol of the conscious mind, in front of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. This tree holds twelve leaves of fire (one for each astrological sign of the zodiac). The flaming leaves have charred the rest of the tree, likely indicating how reason and logic, when taken to their extreme, can burn us if we are not careful. This shows how the powers of the rational mind must be handled with discernment, lest they destroy what they are meant to protect.

To our left stands woman, symbol of the unconscious mind, in front of the Tree of Life. Four fruits are visible here, although in other decks the full five are visible, each one representing one of our five bodily senses through which we experience the physical world.

Above our pair of Lovers a brilliant sun shines, and from a cloud beneath our sun we see Archangel Raphael, angel of love and healing, who here also represents the divine, or Superconsciousness. 

“Amor est magis cognitivus quam cognitio.” –Thomas Aquinas (We know things better through love than through knowledge.)

Notice how man looks to the woman, while it is she who looks up, hand raised, to Archangel Raphael. Despite what we may have been culturally conditioned to believe, the experience of God is one which we are drawn to through our intuition, rather than through any conscious deliberation. We are often drawn to a higher awareness through what we consider our lower selves; we are tempted by the serpent, drawn by the hand of Eros toward a greater destiny we would hardly have the capacity to conceive through the rational mind.

This card tells us that following our hearts is the only way to truly meet our destiny. Following our inner calling is the only way to break free of the rigidity of the conscious, egoic mind, which has little imagination, little capacity to channel the dream that desires to be born through us. 

The Lovers Interpretation

When this card comes in a tarot reading, it clearly speaks to the possibility for love and romance. When the Lovers appears, it indicates the real potential for genuine intimacy and emotional connection. 

It refers to the transformative power of our desires to generate new life, whether that be in the form of a child conceived or a project planned. It speaks to the power of our erotic intelligence, also known as the libido or life force energy, which is the driving force connecting us with our destiny. This erotic energy is not limited to sexual expression; when channelled appropriately, it can lead us toward a higher spiritual experience and connection with the divine. 

The Lovers in a reading can also refer to our capacity to make choices for ourselves as individuals, based on our own particular needs and wants, in contrast to what is asked of us by society or the culture at large. In this sense, it can refer to turning  away from the expectations of our family or society (as represented by the Hierophant). The Lovers in a reading can speak to a need to trust ourselves enough to honor our deepest desire, and follow our hearts when making important decisions for ourselves.

On a more esoteric level, the Lovers represent all three facets of our selves: the Conscious, or mind (the masculine), the Unconscious, or body (the feminine), and the Superconscious, or God/the universe/the cosmic archetypal  (archangel Raphael).

This card shows the relationship that should rightly exist between the three. Man and woman are meant to exist in harmony, in loving relationship. The same is true for our Conscious and Unconscious selves. It was never meant to be “mind over matter,” where mind rules and dominates against the desires of the body. It is meant to be mind with matter, where mind is a guide, a gentle steward that directs and protects the interests of the unconscious or “lower” self.

References to the masculine and the feminine should not be understood as referring to “man” and “woman.” As whole human beings, the masculine and feminine represented here should be taken as facets of our whole personality, both of which we have access to if we are in a condition of health. These figures represent elements of the psyche, and both men and women have access to them in equal measure.