Journal Date: Sunday, December 13th, 2020
I’m up, and still reading about Complex PTSD.
I’m on chapter 4, “The Progression of Recovering.”
I thought this was very relevant to the problem I’m facing now:
“It is important to understand that recovery is gradual and frequently a backwards and forwards process.
Effective recovery is often limited to only progressing in one or two areas at a time. Biting off more than we can chew and trying to accomplish too much too soon is often counterproductive. I spent years in mid-range recovery workaholically spinning my wheels trying to fix and change everything at once.
We often need to simplify our self-help efforts in early recovery.”
This definitely struck a chord with me.
I really am trying to do a thousand different things at once.
So ultimately nothing gets done.
It’s frustrating and ineffective and I don’t want to do it anymore.
A big component of that has been with my books, and my compulsion to be studying a thousand things at once.
I seem to be incapable of discernment, and everything seems just as important as the next.
So I have a hundred books half-finished, and I feel like I’m “working” hard, but I’m just spinning my wheels and dissociating via text all day.
I’ve spent years like this.
It’s probably been around a decade now that I’ve had this habit.
I’ve always been a big reader, but it wasn’t until after college that this really became a problem.
That was when I got super depressed, I started seeing a psychiatrist, I got on all the pills, and then really went crazy…
For most of that time, I wasn’t working, just in school, reading all day.
I knew I was fucked up, and I hoped that I could read my way to being normal or okay.
I became obsessed with discovering The Answer™ to why I was so messed up and how I had to change to get better.
I read hundreds of books, and I avoided my own life very well with this excuse.
Although it wasn’t totally an excuse to dissociate and avoid reality.
Eventually, I did find myself on the right track, and I have read many things which have been useful and have helped me heal.
But I think I’m reaching the end of the road with this.
I spend all day reading and searching for the next best thing that will finally fix me, and in the process I neglect the actual business of my life.
Maybe it was important for me to do this at one time. It got me here.
But I don’t need any new theories.
I’ve decided I’m going to stop here, and sit with what I have now.
Honestly, I feel blessed to have found this CPTSD book. I know it’s going to be a game changer for me, and I’m ready to slow down and actually do the practices (instead of rushing to finish the book, then dropping it and running off to chase another theory, like I usually do).
So I’m committing to this now, to slowing down and doing it right.