Month: May 2020

Fueling the Flames

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Three nights ago, I had a dream.

In this dream, I was in a war zone. This war zone was contained within a massive warehouse, which extended out as far as I could see.

After a time, I came upon a wooden staircase, and ascended up into an attic. It seemed to be a workshop where many scribes were writing in bound books of various shapes and sizes.

There, I found a nun, a saint whose name I recognized (but can no longer remember now). She spoke to me, and asked me of my many fears. Of what I thought about my own power. And of the fears she knew I had surrounding this power.

Before we parted, she handed me a notebook of my own, and pointed toward a black wrought-iron spiral starecase at the back of the attic workshop. She gave me one question I was to reflect and write on: “What purpose does your rage serve?”

I walked past the many scribes and ascended to the next level, and then the next. As I walked from room to room, in an unending spiral moving towards the sky, I encountered scenes from my past, and some from a possible future.

In each room, I would find a different pen, each a different shape with a different kind of ink, and here I would set down my notes. Here was my rage. Here was my purpose. Here was my power.

I’ve been reflecting on this dream during these past three days, days which have been filled with anxiety, turmoil and unrest.

I’m learning not to fear my own power. I’m learning how deeply I had internalized the message that my power is not welcome. That my passion is not allowed. That my presence is one which should be diminished.

I see these messages for what they are, tools of control, methods of oppression that have kept me small, that have kept me serving the needs of the patriarchal capitalist (+ colonist + white supremacist + beyond) society in which I was born.

And I see the purpose of my rage.

After a lifetime of being told that anger, not to mention rage, was “not allowed” for a person in my position, I am welcoming it. I am feeling it. And I am listening to it.

I am asking my anger, “What are you here to tell me?”

I ask my rage, “What do I need to do to honor you?”

I am listening. I am open to answers. Now I know that my darkness is my fuel. This is what will light my way forward. And I am ready to carry the torch into a new future.

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“The master’s tools will never dismantle the master’s house … My fullest concentration of energy is available to me only when I integrate all the parts of who I am, openly, allowing power from the particular sources of my living to flow back and forth freely through all my different selves, without the restrictions of externally imposed definition.”

–Audre Lorde

This is my work, and I am commited to doing it without apology. I’m done exiling all the parts of my self that made others around me uncomfortable. I’m done feeling “too much” or “not enough.” I’m done criticizing, shaming, denying the fullness of my being in an effort to make myself an object of mass consumption easy for others to digest.

And I urge you women, you people of color, you with different abilities, all of you who have been told you are somehow not deserving to join me here now. We can do this work with compassion, curiousity, understanding & love.

We can reclaim our selves, and reclaim our world. Join me.

Graduation Day! — Mama Gena’s School of Womanly Arts

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Earlier this week, I had the pleasure of graduating from Mama Gena’s Virtual Pleasure Boot Camp at the School of Womanly Arts.

I feel so blessed, grateful and proud to have been one of over 500 Sister Goddesses to take part in this class and the final graduating ceremony, which took place over a Zoom call Monday morning.

After speaking about the final art, “the Womanly Art of Inviting Abundance,” Mama Gena put on music and invited us to dance for ourselves and the other Sister Goddesses present.

Not only was it so much sexy fun, it was a testament to my progress and growth that I even danced at all! I know that at the beginning of the class I was barely able to even get myself moving for the dance breaks in the middle of class. Now, here I was, feeling sensual and powerful enough to join the other SG’s in our graduation striptease dance break.

Participating in this class has been a pure pleasure. It is also once of the most healing things I have ever done for myself.

I first read “Pussy” by Regena Thomashauer (aka “Mama Gena) around two years ago, and then moved on to reading her “School of Womanly Arts” as well as “Owning and Operating Men” shortly afterwards.

I was deeply touched and impressed by her work. I wholeheartedly agreed that pleasure is power, and that our desires are the gateway to our dreams.

But then life (or inertia or resistance to change etc.) took over, and I kept on living my life as usual. Great ideas, sure, but…. [insert excuses here]

Signing up for the class, I approached it from a business-as-usual kind of way, meaning: I tried to understand everything intellectually as quickly as possible without really putting anything into practice in my actual life.

The power of this class was that it challenged me to go beyond my resistance and to begin truly embodying these principles.

First of all, Mama Gena herself is an absolute powerhouse. Her turn-on and magnetic energy is palpable and high contagious, even when experienced solely through the Zoom calls.

I know that I felt super-charged and excited after every session, connected to my power and ready to go after what I wanted. Her presence is like a candle that, touching other woman, lights them up so they can shine with all the brightness they may have been holding in for so long.

Equally important to Mama Gena’s powerful presence was the role of community among the other Sister Goddesses (as we call our classmates and fellow empowered women).

We had a private Facebook group where we could practice each of the arts, and receive praise and “uprides” from other SG’s.

We were also encouraged to find a Fitness Partner to Spring Clean and share our Trinities with. I had the pleasure of working with 3 different women from all over the world (based in New York, Canada and India).

This what was truly took this work to the next level. In the process of working through each of the Womanly Arts, I was able to get clear on some of my own internal processes and thoughts around pleasure and more. I felt heard and seen by strong, beautiful and powerful women I respected and admired. And I was able to learn from what each of these women shared with me, from their own struggles and shame, as well as their triumphs and victories.

Although this class will formally be ending in just a few days, I’m looking forward to continuing to practice each of the Womanly Arts and everything else that I learned during this time. I’m also looking forward to staying in touch with the friends that I made here, and to living my life in a new, more expansive and empowered way, as a Sister Goddess should.

Saturn in Aquarius Ritual

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I’m writing about this ritual now, even though it’s something I did almost two months ago, on March 23.

But I still wanted to share some of what I learned here. In some ways, it feels like a turning point when it comes to how I conceptualize and relate to my ritual practices.

So I’ll start by saying that I was NOT looking forward to this one. I am not a big fan of Saturn. I’ve always felt uncomfortable when thinking about how the Saturnian energies of rules, limits and responsibilities manifest themselves in my life.

I had a very simple set-up for my altar that night. It was all black everything: black altar cloth, black obsidian pyramid, and a tall black taper candle in the center.

I started this ritual the way I usually do, by calling in the four directions, casting a circle, and then finally, evoking Saturn.

I asked that Saturn be here with me now, and in offering thanks for this presence and assistance in my ritual (and beyond), I vowed to honor and respect Saturn and all that this archetype represents.

That’s when it occured to me: I have never, ever done this before.

I’ve never had any respect for limitations or honored the role of boundaries in my life.

I saw that I’ve spent 30+ years fearing, and running from, any and all kinds of rules, limitations, and boundaries.

Maybe I’ve never really understood what these things were truly about. It seems to me I’ve usually understood myself as a victim of these things. Rules were meant to make me obey, to make me submit, to make me suffer. Limitations were all the places I could never go, all the things I could never be, everything I could never have.

What I’d failed to see was that these things did not have to be about my own weakness. In fact, rules, limits, boundaries could all become my friend. If I wanted to, I could learn to make them serve me.

In that moment, I saw how deeply I had done msyelf a disservice in not respecting these elements that Saturn rules. In fearing them, I had let them and others take control of my life. Now, in honoring them, I could take my power back and make my life my own.

At the time, I had attributed this shift in understanding as my own personal growth (and prior misunderstanding of Saturn’s qualities). But looking back, I’m starting to think that it’s like I was actually picking up on this shift in cosmic energies that was occuring as Saturn moved into Aquarius.

Saturn had been in Capricorn (which it rules) for the past 26 years, the majority of my life. Capricorn is an earth sign, known for being stubborn and rigid, resistant to change, and associated with authoritarian leadership and even oppressive circumstances.

Saturn is also the ruler of Aquarius, according to traditional astrology (while modern astrology gives that role to Uranus). These two zodiac signs do share some things in common: they shy away from emotional expression, are concerned with rules & norms, and focus on society and how it’s structured.

But while Capricorn brings a very heavy hand to these matters, Aquarius swings to the opposite side of the spectrum. Aquarius is progressive, original, and independent. This sign expresses its concern for the structures of society with a focus not on what has been (like Capricorn), but about what could be.

Aquarius is humanitarian and egalitarian; an air sign, it uses its intellectual force and vigor to imagine a better world. It is a sign that would reform and re-make everything that Capricorn has put in place, seeking to bring freedom and independence for those within its orbit.

I now think that this ritual was so powerful because I somehow managed to tap in to exactly that shift in energy represented by this zodiacal transition.

It was only natural for me to have experienced Saturn’s energies in the past as oppressive and punishing: in Capricorn, that is what they were.

Moving into Aquarius, I had the opportunity to experience all these rules and limits in a healthier way, one which ultimately benefits me.

I’ve been thinking about boundaries and limits and discipline so often the past months. I’ve been able to set new boundaries with family and friends, as well my self. It’s made me a better daughter, dog mom, friend, and person. It’s helped me focus on what I do want to allow into my life, instead of my discomfort with the parts of my life I don’t.

How are you feeling this transition of Saturn into Aquarius? I’d love to hear from you about what you’ve noticed so far. Tell me about how you viewed Saturn’s rules and limits in the past versus today. I’m looking forward to reading about all of your insights in the comments below.

Venus Retrograde 2020

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Today marks the beginning of Venus’s retrograde travel through Gemini. This air sign is all about communication, sharing information and getting to know the other through the life of the mind.

All retrogrades can usually be seen as an opportunity to pause and reflect on your experiences, to re-assess your normal way of operating and the world.

With Venus Retrograde, this means we can look to our past to inform how we’d like to act to create our future.

This particular Venus Rx happens to be a Venus Return for me, passing through the sign of Gemini in my 12th house. Mercury also happens to be here too, and the Sun is about to join them in Gemini in about a week.

Not surprisingly, given the global pandemic, I’m already in a situation that lends itself to lots of solitude and time alone. I fully intend to use it to take a closer look at some of my own patterns, especially those related to Identity, Love & Communication, and how they have manifested through my 12th house shadow side.

What are some patterns you can think of that influence the way you communicate in love? Are there things you may have left unsaid or hidden from those you love? (And you can include yourself here!)

This Venus Rx will last around 40 days, so start brainstorming some ideas that you may want to put into practice when Venus starts moving forward again on June 25.